Ready, But Not Yet

I’ve got the rooms filled. Filled with stuff, not filled with life.

I feel ready. But not yet. This calling, this dream, this yearning, is not yet fulfilled.

I am waiting. Ready. And waiting.

Is this where you are?

Waiting on a dream? Waiting on someone? Waiting on something?

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I remember many years ago I was gathered around a table with women of all ages. I had never mentioned our infertility before to many of these ladies. We are gathered together talking about Christmas and seeking to focus our traditions and celebrations on Christ, sharing ideas.

We are nearing the end of our gathering and our leader asks for any prayer requests. After many requests are shared, I open up.

I share about how we are ready for children, but God had not yet granted our desire. I talk about how my heart is heavy and it is hard to celebrate, especially around the holidays, when we thought that we would have children by then.

Then it happens, an older woman who had never really talk with me before, shared her opinion. She shared about how I may be ready but obviously it isn’t the right time yet. There must be a reason that the Lord has withheld this blessing from me, she goes on with a sharp and convicting tongue. There must be an area of sin that the Lord wants me to overcome, or some attitude that needs adjusting before I become a parent. She tells me, I shouldn’t be upset, I just need to pray more that the Lord would open my eyes to what He wants to teach me before I am blessed with children. And then of course she mentioned my age, I’m still young (everyone says), there is no need to worry about this desire yet. I just need to enjoy life.

I hide my hurt from her and the rest of the group, I smile and nod. I don’t feel safe. I put on a mask. I had opened my heart and now I was regretting it. She was harsh in her words, when I was looking for some gentle encouragement. The tone of her words ripped at my heart. It felt like, according to her, I was not godly or mature or old enough to be a parent and especially to be hurt by infertility.

I didn’t open my heart much more to that group of ladies. Really, I didn’t feel accepted or loved or welcomed. It made me not want to open up to anyone again. And, that is what is I did…

I just hid my hurt. Put on a mask of “okay” and walked through those lonely years.

I look back on that year (which I talk about in my book of being very isolated and alone) and I believe that there may have been some truth in that woman’s words. Yet the harshness of the delivery made the words only sting.

It has now been about 3 years since that encounter. I have opened up my heart more. I have shared more willingly. I do feel ready. I feel more ready with every day and every year that passes. I am ready, and I do believe that one day (I pray soon) the Lord will grant our desire for children and bless us abundantly.

However, I do believe that for some reason (and there is a reason) this desire has not yet been fulfilled. I don’t what the reason is. But, I trust and cling to the Lord.

I trust that there is a reason for this waiting, and it is for my ultimate good.

I cling to Him with hope that one day the desire of my heart will come to life and my husband and I will have the opportunity to share our love with little lives in our home.

The reason may be simple, for example all the years we waited in Ohio and never received a phone call. Now, here we are in Kentucky waiting. Here, in Kentucky, is where we believe we will be united with our children. This couldn’t have happened in Ohio. So all that time in Ohio we were waiting for the moment when our plans would change and we would pick up and move to Kentucky.

My husband is looking for a new job. So far with no result. I know that there is a job out there for him. If this first job would have worked out, then we would miss out on whatever job the Lord has planned for us. Maybe this job isn’t open yet, maybe he needs to do something at his current job to minister to someone before he leaves. There is a reason.

It seems like we are always waiting for something. But, I believe during this time of waiting and being ready, the Lord is working things out, each and every detail, for the perfect outcome!

Question for you:

What is a situation that you can look back on and see better the Lord working it out in the waiting?

This post is part of my 31 Days of Waiting series. Read all the posts in the series here.