When an Unknown Future Makes Living in the Present Hard {But Necessary}

Sometimes, life is just hard.

I struggle to breathe when the pressing fear of the unknown tries to drown my joy in today.

I fight against this fear. The fear of waking up one day and this dream being over, this dream that I’ve been living for nearly three months.

The fear of these precious children leaving our home one day. It is real and it is trying to gain ground in my heart.

Fear can grow rapidly, like weeds in a garden, if you let it.

Daily, some days hourly, I must keep that thundering fear in check. Push it out of my heart.

It’s hard. This life that I live right now. The inability to plan a few months ahead. The hope for adoption and also the reality of the temporary status of this placement, and my life, and my family.

I want to know. I want comfort. I want security.

However, God doesn’t always give us that, does He?

For this day, this season, I don’t know. I don’t how long this dream will last. I don’t know if one day I will wake up and my home will be void of all the giggles, smiles, and life that is bursting at the seams right now.

When this fear of the unknown is overwhelming me, it makes it really hard to live today. To love today, without fear. To give today all I have without asking for something in return.

All this talk of fear and living today reminds me of the post I did at the beginning of this year. Before all these extra unknowns entered my life, I felt God whisper into my heart, be present. This year, focus on today.

Oh, how this focus and goal is exactly what I need right now.

I cannot focus on what I don’t know. I cannot focus on the future.

I have to live today.

I must focus on today and be present here…

Today I get to be a stay at home wife and mother.

Today I have four precious children that need my love, attention, and care.

Today I woke up to feed my precious three month old son in the glorious morning hours before the sun rose in the sky.

Today I did two loads of laundry before nine o’clock in the morning because I’ve got lots of clothes that need washed from my family of six.

Today I doubled the recipe for waffles because I’ve got some big eaters, I also added chocolate chips!

After breakfast I gave my giggly 16 month old daughter a bath and then played peek-a-boo as I got her dressed for the day.

After lunch I read a book to my five year daughter and sang “You Are My Sunshine” as I patted her back for a brief summer nap.

Shortly after that I prayed with my eight year old son thanking God for my home and family and each child by name.

Later today we are all going to search for Waldo as part of a local Where’s Waldo search in Louisville. I am going to admire my children’s faces and smile wide in the moment when they finally find that man in stripes that they’ve been looking for.

After that, we are going to eat out at a restaurant we planned specifically for, because the kids will all eat free. We will all talk and laugh and enjoy being with one another.

Before bed, we will all gather in the living room and read from God’s Word as we seek to learn about Him.

How blessed I am today! This fear thing, this struggle, it seems to be conquered by instead of focusing on what I don’t know, focusing on what I know and have and being thankful.

You see, when I stop and think about today, about the goodness that fills my life, I stop worrying about what is going to happen tomorrow, or next month, or three months from now.

I am just thankful for this moment today.