Adoption :: Putting God First Place

A Letter to My Future Self — when I am a mom and have had a hard day

By Ashley Wells, on August 27th, 2012

I found this post sitting in my drafts from the end of April. Less than a week before we got the phone call that changed our life.

As I sit and wait for a phone call, I want my future self to remember a few things…

Hey there…you, the one who has had a hard day and just doesn’t know what to do–

Make some Tension Tamer tea, take a bath, and finish this letter.

I know today was hard. I’m sure you remember thinking it would be hard, grafting older children into your family, but it seems a lot hard than you thought, right? Especially after today?

Even still, here are some things you MUST remember:

This whole journey, including today, is part of God’s plan. He hasn’t brought these children into your life and left you to take care of them yourself. Please stop trying to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. Cast your cares, fears, short-comings, and dreams over to God. He has all of this under control. You don’t have to try so hard.

This journey of adoption was God’s plan for you. He took you on the journey of infertility so that He could bring you to this journey with these children today. He has brought you and these children together for a reason, to form a family. You were created for each other for such a time as this. This is what the Lord has equipped you for and lead you to.

Motherhood is hard. Then think about adoptive mothering. There are going to be hard days like today. But, soak in your bath, go to bed a little early and wake up to a new day. Leave today behind and start new.

p.s. You can’t do any of this in your own strength, you must rely on the Giver of all good and perfect things to strengthen you and carry you through.

Three Months Later {30 lessons from an instant mom of four}

By Ashley Wells, on July 24th, 2012

I cannot believe how fast time has gone by. Today is our three month anniversary from the kids coming to be with us. Here are some things I’ve learned about motherhood, maintaining a home, and being an instant mother of four children aged 8 and under, in no particular order.

1.If there is a piece of laundry on the floor somewhere, more will soon be on the floor creating a pile. Always. My bathroom floor is a crazy mess right now! It started this morning with one set of pjs that weren’t cleaned up last night!

2. I can never have too much food. It will be eaten, and usually very quickly. These extra mouths, they love to eat!

3. Grocery shopping after the kids are in bed at night is almost always exhausting the next day, but is also almost always worth it because it is quicker and the store is generally less crowded. An added bonus, there are such interesting people at the Neighborhood Wal-Mart at midnight…

4. Keeping the sink clear is a necessary battle to fight continuously, unless I want to wash dishes before every meal because there are no clear dishes to eat off of. ummm…yeah, we won’t talk about the sink {and counter} right now, okay?

5. The Moby Wrap has literally been a lifesaver. I am so thankful to be borrowing one from a church friend. I honestly do not know what I would do without it. When the baby wants to be held, but there is lunch to be put on plates, or laundry to be folded, I can easily do both!

6. Having the older kids do chores saves my sanity. Honestly, I have barely had to take out the trash or switch laundry from the washer to the dryer. Ten cents a chore adds up fast, but it is worth every penny for the time and energy it saves me! Plus, it is teaching the kids how to have a good work effort!

7. Having set consequences saves me time and energy and also arguing. We have a chart that lists common problem behaviors as well as a set consequence for each. The kids even have some of the consequences memorized and realize they did something and send themselves to take a break in their room! It helps me be consistent and the kids thrive because of it.

8. Spending one on one time with each child is absolutely necessary. Not only do I try to do this daily, but my husband and I also alternate months and go on one on one “dates” with each of the older children. For example in July, my husband will go on a “date” with our five year old to go get ice cream, or go out to lunch, or go swimming, on another day he will go have “guy time” with our eight year old son and play mini-golf, or play basketball. Then next month it will be my turn to take them out one on one.

9. Finding time to just be with my husband must be a priority. Otherwise he’ll be grouchy, I’ll be grouchy, and we will have gone three days without really talking or checking in with each other. Oh, and finding time to be with my husband in the bedroom is equally a high priority!

10. Some days a nap {for me} is more important than checking off something else on my never ending list of things to do.

11. Meal time preparation can be a nightmare. My solution has been to have a “helper” each day and that child gets to help me prepare dinner. While we are doing dinner the little man (3 months old) is either napping or hanging out in his swing or high chair in the kitchen. The other older sibling is having a play time with our younger daughter (16 months) in the living room. Each day the “helper” alternates so they are having equal time with me in the kitchen and also there is always someone playing with our little lady.

12. Folding laundry is the perfect time to catch up on a TV show or listen to an audio book or sermon. This way I am making dual use of my time and if it is an audio book or sermon I am also being encouraged.

13. Routines help everyone know what is happening next, and saves me from having to answer the question, “What else do I need to do?” twenty times a day. I have posted on a central wall a morning and evening routine. When the kids wake up and are getting ready for bed, they are able to get things done on their own from looking at the list (which has pictures for our non-reader). They come and get me when their routine is done.

14. “Rest Time” helps everyone have a better afternoon and evening! We transition right into rest time after lunch. The girls both take naps (although I am trying to transition our soon-to-be Kindergarten of it). Our oldest doesn’t have to nap, but he does have to rest quietly in his room (he usually reads, listens to an audiobook or music, colors, draws, or plays with army men or cars quietly). The baby is getting usually has a feeding at the beginning and naps during this time as well. This gives me a mid-day break to catch up on dishes, make any phone calls, and rest myself (especially if it has been a difficult morning).

15. Whenever possible, I try to stay up after feeding the baby his morning bottle and start my day before the other kids get moving and up. During this time I will get dressed, feed our cats, read my bible, listen to some praise songs, start laundry, and then start breakfast. Then I am up for the kids instead of being woken up by the kids. The days when I get up early are always so much smoother.

16. This one is so hard, but I am attempting to start going to bed at least 10pm each night. This way I get adequate sleep and stay well-rested myself. Now, I am not great at this yet. However, I am trying to be because I need it. I need my sleep. Dishes can wait if they have to. A messy living room can be picked up in the early morning hours. The morning hours are so important (see #15), so if I need to do something then instead of at night, it is much better! {ahem…I won’t share what time it is when I am finishing this post, let’s just say I didn’t succeed at this goal today, but I also have to find time to do things that energize me!}

17. Find time to do something that I enjoy. I love to read. However, I’ve barely been able to since we’ve had the kids. I am still trying to figure this one out…however, this I know: the days when I find even 30 minutes to read, I feel better and I have a better attitude. Therefore, I need to figure this one out and make it happen!

18. Be outside. This one has been hard because it has been scorching hot in Louisville as of late. However, the kids and I are in better moods when we get some outside time. Let’s face it, six people get a little crammed in 1000 square feet. It’s good to have more space outside to wiggle and run and yell. Also the fresh air and glorious sunshine are great each day!

19. Limit “screen” time. When our kids came to us, who knows how much they sat in front of a screen each day?!? They didn’t know how to “play.” Honestly. We don’t have a tv in our house, granted we do have an iPad and access to Netflix. However, we only allow them to watch one tv show per day, some days when we are busy and having fun, none. The kids constantly complained about being bored when they first came. Now, they can sit with a pile of books for nearly an hour. Or makeup ways to play pretend with a ring stacking toy all morning! They are constantly growing their minds, creativity, and imagination. I see it daily right in front of my eyes! It is truly a testament to the effects that watching too much tv can have, or the wonderful benefits that limiting screen time can have.

20. Have fun as a family. Making a “summer bucket list” was one of the best ideas we’ve done. Completing activities off this list has created so many opportunities for us all to just be with one another, enjoy each other’s company, and have fun together! Honestly, we may do it every season, it has been that beneficial and productive!

21. Savor each day and record moments in your mind, make a list, write them down, thank God for each gift. I must live in the moment and be present. The temporary state of this placement, helps me all the more realize that no one is promised tomorrow. More thoughts here.

22. Show affection abundantly. We say “I Love You” a lot…lol! Our kids ask for hugs all the time. We just want to shower them with our love and affection. We try to do this by our words (saying “I Love You”), our touch (hugs and kisses), spending quality time with them (one on one “dates” and stolen moments throughout the day), giving them gifts (we recently bought them cd players to listen to audiobooks and it was so special for them!), and doing things for them (helping them clean their room, making them a special snack). Yes, I stole these five main ways from The Five Love Languages. Maybe I should read the kid’s version?

23. Don’t forget to spend time building friendships and being with friends. This one is hard, because life with four kids is crazy busy! But, I try to set aside time each week to send an audio message to my friend who is a missionary in Africa, skype with my friend who lives in Washington, and at least once a month spend time with a friend here in Louisville. I thrive on these relationships, it is vitally important to me, so I make it a priority. Sometimes, these interactions happen over top of the noise of four wonderful children. Other times, we have sweet fellowship after the kids are in bed. The important thing is that they do happen.

24. Give myself grace. I mess up, all the time! On Sunday, I was an absolute grouch all the day long. Literally. I woke up with a chip on my shoulder and it stayed until I went to bed. On Monday, I woke up and cried out to the Father to help me be better than I was the day before. To help me be the kind of mother I want to be. I confessed my sins to Him, and then later to my kids and husband. Monday was much better. Grace for each day.

25. Don’t be afraid to confess my sins to my kids and to my husband in front of my kids, if appropriate. When I sin against my kids, being rude or short for example, I confess that to them and seek their forgiveness. If I sin against Michael in front of the kids, disrespect him in my tone or words for example, I confess my sin to him and the kids and seek Michel’s forgiveness. Not only is this showing my kids that I too am a sinner, it is a demonstration for them. It is hard, believe me…it is not easy. And some days, I delay it, I avoid it. However, I want to show my kids the gospel time and time again.Showing them the gospel is far more value than my embarrassment or awkwardness.

26. Be in the Word together. Some of our sweetest moments with our kids are at night before bed when we have “Family Reading Time.” We were gifted the book Long Story Short and try to complete five chapters a week with the kids. It is such a sweet time to read the Word, talk about it, reflect on it, and pray together. The kids are so inquisitive and curious, and this time just fuels that. It is truly a wonderful blessing.

27. Keep my house messy enough to be happy. I don’t want my kids to only remember me cleaning or picking up instead of playing with them or reading another book. I don’t want to focus more on the house than the precious lives being lived before my eyes. I try to keep a simple cleaning routine (rabbit trail…here are three main things I focus on that make a huge difference: clean kitchen counters, vacuumed floor, made beds), the kids chip in with their chores, and I try to do more attention demanding tasks during rest time or at night after the kids are in bed. Some days {okay, most days} the house is more messy than I or Michael would like. However, these kids are more important for both of us than if we have a sparkling clean house.

28. Involve everyone in meal planning. Not only does this give the kids more involvement in the process, it creates excitement around the table that usually helps food get eaten instead of complained about! Granted, we have been blessed with wonderful eaters who rarely complain about anything they are offered. However, I also ask everyone if there is anything in particular they would like to eat each time I plan the menu.

29. Don’t throw hospitality out the window just because I have kids or my table is full. We love having people over and opening our home to others. Our children have already developed a love for it (just last week I had a friend and her two kids over and our five year old was asking if they were thirsty and wanted water and then made a sippy cup for one of the kids and gave it to her, it was so sweet and welcoming!)! If your table is full, the kids can have a “picnic” in the living room on a blanket, or you could set up a card table somewhere, or move the gathering outside. The number of seats at your table is not a limitation and neither is having children, you just have to get a little more creative. We are teaching our children a wonderful command from the bible each time we open our door, they are learning the joy in community and meeting with people.

30. Children are a blessing not a burden. Granted, I’ve got a little over six years of praying for and waiting for children to instill this fact…however, I firmly and in the core of my heart believe it. Children are a blessing from the Lord. This is such an important message! In a culture that views children as a status symbol or a burden or who knows what else…it is very far and few in between that you interact with a family that views their children as a blessing. By being one of those families, what a great opportunity we have, when people question your view of children, to share God’s plan for families and the gospel!

EXTRA TIP: Sometimes, the best thing for all is to put on the 80s Cardio Radio on Pandora and rock out a dance party in the living room for a couple of songs! The kids get out excessive energy and you burn some calories, plus it eases some tension on a rainy day.

This list was as much for me as it was for you. I love reflecting on this sweet time and recording my thoughts so I remember them and treasure them. Also, I am not super woman or something, I wanted to show you that from this list too. I am just an average gal who married an average guy who was willing to see what God would want them do to.

All of these lessons and my current life, being an instant mom of four children aged eight and under, is only by the grace of God. He gives me just enough strength for each day. Just enough patience when mine is running low. Just enough love when I feel like I am being too vulnerable and don’t want to keep going for fear of my heart being put in a blender.

I am not some kind of super woman, I just serve an amazing God. I am so blessed by the current life I am living and know that it is only because of Him that I am living it.

HUGE DISCLAIMER

These are just lessons that I have learned, not that I think everyone must learn. Also, I am not an expert at living out each one every day.

When an Unknown Future Makes Living in the Present Hard {But Necessary}

By Ashley Wells, on July 18th, 2012

Sometimes, life is just hard.

I struggle to breathe when the pressing fear of the unknown tries to drown my joy in today.

I fight against this fear. The fear of waking up one day and this dream being over, this dream that I’ve been living for nearly three months.

The fear of these precious children leaving our home one day. It is real and it is trying to gain ground in my heart.

Fear can grow rapidly, like weeds in a garden, if you let it.

Daily, some days hourly, I must keep that thundering fear in check. Push it out of my heart.

It’s hard. This life that I live right now. The inability to plan a few months ahead. The hope for adoption and also the reality of the temporary status of this placement, and my life, and my family.

I want to know. I want comfort. I want security.

However, God doesn’t always give us that, does He?

For this day, this season, I don’t know. I don’t how long this dream will last. I don’t know if one day I will wake up and my home will be void of all the giggles, smiles, and life that is bursting at the seams right now.

When this fear of the unknown is overwhelming me, it makes it really hard to live today. To love today, without fear. To give today all I have without asking for something in return.

All this talk of fear and living today reminds me of the post I did at the beginning of this year. Before all these extra unknowns entered my life, I felt God whisper into my heart, be present. This year, focus on today.

Oh, how this focus and goal is exactly what I need right now.

I cannot focus on what I don’t know. I cannot focus on the future.

I have to live today.

I must focus on today and be present here…

Today I get to be a stay at home wife and mother.

Today I have four precious children that need my love, attention, and care.

Today I woke up to feed my precious three month old son in the glorious morning hours before the sun rose in the sky.

Today I did two loads of laundry before nine o’clock in the morning because I’ve got lots of clothes that need washed from my family of six.

Today I doubled the recipe for waffles because I’ve got some big eaters, I also added chocolate chips!

After breakfast I gave my giggly 16 month old daughter a bath and then played peek-a-boo as I got her dressed for the day.

After lunch I read a book to my five year daughter and sang “You Are My Sunshine” as I patted her back for a brief summer nap.

Shortly after that I prayed with my eight year old son thanking God for my home and family and each child by name.

Later today we are all going to search for Waldo as part of a local Where’s Waldo search in Louisville. I am going to admire my children’s faces and smile wide in the moment when they finally find that man in stripes that they’ve been looking for.

After that, we are going to eat out at a restaurant we planned specifically for, because the kids will all eat free. We will all talk and laugh and enjoy being with one another.

Before bed, we will all gather in the living room and read from God’s Word as we seek to learn about Him.

How blessed I am today! This fear thing, this struggle, it seems to be conquered by instead of focusing on what I don’t know, focusing on what I know and have and being thankful.

You see, when I stop and think about today, about the goodness that fills my life, I stop worrying about what is going to happen tomorrow, or next month, or three months from now.

I am just thankful for this moment today.

The Most Overwheming Wonderful Week of My Life

By Ashley Wells, on April 28th, 2012

On Tuesday, my life changed (maybe forever).

We finally got our phone call for a placement! Then, about an hour and a half later, I went to pick up four children. Our children, at least for now.

It’s been exhilarating. It’s been overwhelming. It’s been joyous. It’s been exhausting (My record for number of hours of sleep in a row was about 90 minutes until this morning).

Every moment, I am more and more thankful for God’s grace for each day and His strength that has sustained us. It truly is a miracle.

**Here are some specifics (although I can’t share much):**

We have four children aged 3 weeks old through 8 years old. Two boys and two girls.

By the way, we said we would be willing to take up to four children aged 8 and under, and that is exactly what we have.

We are adjusting as well to be expected. But, we would love prayers as the older children are starting to realize that this is a more long term home than they thought, and more than they were told by relatives.

We are learning (often times through trail and error) about being a parent, as many new parents do. I am so thankful for all the opportunities the Lord gave me to prepare me for this exact moment.

We are amazed at how fast you can really love a child, even if there is no biological connection. It truly has been remarkable to see our love grow and grow in leaps and bounds for these precious children that the Lord has brought into our home.

We have no idea how long the children will be with us. We are praying for God’s good and perfect will, whether that be returning to a parent, or other biological relative, or the potential that they could stay with us. Prayers for this would be extremely helpful, especially for God’s grace and peace on Michael and I if they were to leave.

For Everything a Season

Right now, these children are a great priority in my life (as any child should be, whether biological or not). I don’t know what their life has looked like. However, I know what I can do right now, today.

I can give these children all I have and rely on the Lord to fill me up again.

I can be present with them each day.

I can love these children as best I can.

I can care for them daily with love.

I can pray for them.

I can attempt to show them the great, deep, wide love of Christ.

What may not fit on this list, is blogging, at least for a season.

These children need me. I cannot miss these opportunities to be a blessing to them, I don’t know how long they will be here and I want to make as big of an impact as I possibly can.

A Moment in Time :: April 22nd at 9:17 pm

By Ashley Wells, on April 23rd, 2012

Note: This is one way that I am working on my goal to Be Present this year. Taking in moments in time. Recording them. Savoring them. Enjoying them!

I am standing at the sink tackling the pile of dishes before me. The washer is spinning, I hear it going round and round.

We had children spend the weekend with us. I am doing dishes and laundry for five. The pile of dishes was overwhelming, but yet I am going through them quickly. I guess when you dream of having children in your home for so long, it seems different than just doing dishes. It’s doing dishes for children.

I’m sure the newness will eventually wear off. The excitement of doing all these extra dishes won’t be so exciting one day.

But yet, I dreamed of this. And it has been wonderful. Not perfect. But still good.

I scrub the plates and think about how the atmosphere of our home has changed, at least for the weekend.

There was a lot more laughter. A lot more energy. A lot more time outside. A lot more life.

I’m smiling big. A few tears start trickling down my cheeks. I feel so blessed. At the beginning of the week I had been tearful about the lack of progress in our adoption. Now on Sunday I am tearful about how the Lord has answered my prayers and blessed me more than I could imagine.

I think about tomorrow. Unfortunately, these children are only spending the weekend with us. We were just simply providing respite care for them. Tomorrow I will have to say goodbye.

I know it will be sad. I’m sure I will cry. But yet, I know that there is hope. Any day we could get a phone call about our children. I pray and hope that the Lord brings that phone call soon.

Until then, I smile and do the dishes today. I switch the laundry to the dryer. I check on the kids to make sure they all went to sleep. And I pray that same prayer I have prayed for many months, “Lord, bring our children home soon.”