By Ashley Wells, on August 27th, 2012 I found this post sitting in my drafts from the end of April. Less than a week before we got the phone call that changed our life.
As I sit and wait for a phone call, I want my future self to remember a few things…
Hey there…you, the one who has had a hard day and just doesn’t know what to do–
Make some Tension Tamer tea, take a bath, and finish this letter.
I know today was hard. I’m sure you remember thinking it would be hard, grafting older children into your family, but it seems a lot hard than you thought, right? Especially after today?
Even still, here are some things you MUST remember:
This whole journey, including today, is part of God’s plan. He hasn’t brought these children into your life and left you to take care of them yourself. Please stop trying to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. Cast your cares, fears, short-comings, and dreams over to God. He has all of this under control. You don’t have to try so hard.
This journey of adoption was God’s plan for you. He took you on the journey of infertility so that He could bring you to this journey with these children today. He has brought you and these children together for a reason, to form a family. You were created for each other for such a time as this. This is what the Lord has equipped you for and lead you to.
Motherhood is hard. Then think about adoptive mothering. There are going to be hard days like today. But, soak in your bath, go to bed a little early and wake up to a new day. Leave today behind and start new.
p.s. You can’t do any of this in your own strength, you must rely on the Giver of all good and perfect things to strengthen you and carry you through.
By Ashley Wells, on August 1st, 2012 In addition to the 30 Lessons I’ve already shared, I’ve got five more lessons that I feel compelled to share with you. These have been the hard lessons to learn…
1. I am more selfish than I ever realized. Being a mother means setting aside my own desires for the well being and benefit of little lives that need me. It is hard. I am selfish.
2. I am the chief of sinners. The past few days have. been. terrible. My heart and attitude were ugly. My voice was loud. My temper was short. I had to seek forgiveness from my children, and my husband, more times than I can count.
3. I need Jesus every moment of every day. This mothering thing, it is a difficult job. It takes every bit of me every hour of the day. I am more tired than I ever have been. I cannot rely on myself and my own strength. I must rely more on Jesus than I ever have before.
4. Being content is hard, no matter the season. It is not based on my circumstances, but yet on my heart attitude. This has been a struggle for me my entire adult life. My struggle with discontentment didn’t go away since I have children. It is always something. If only we were done “fostering.” If only we can become a permanent family. I must not base my contentment on my life today.
5. I cannot be everything to everyone. I am a people pleaser by nature. This one is so hard. I try to be everything for everyone and then I burn myself out. I simply cannot do everything I want to do or everything everyone else wants me to do.
I am no where near perfect and this journey is great on some days and a struggle on others. However, I firmly believe that I am doing exactly what the Lord has planned for me.
By Ashley Wells, on July 18th, 2012 Sometimes, life is just hard.
I struggle to breathe when the pressing fear of the unknown tries to drown my joy in today.
I fight against this fear. The fear of waking up one day and this dream being over, this dream that I’ve been living for nearly three months.
The fear of these precious children leaving our home one day. It is real and it is trying to gain ground in my heart.
Fear can grow rapidly, like weeds in a garden, if you let it.
Daily, some days hourly, I must keep that thundering fear in check. Push it out of my heart.
It’s hard. This life that I live right now. The inability to plan a few months ahead. The hope for adoption and also the reality of the temporary status of this placement, and my life, and my family.
I want to know. I want comfort. I want security.
However, God doesn’t always give us that, does He?
For this day, this season, I don’t know. I don’t how long this dream will last. I don’t know if one day I will wake up and my home will be void of all the giggles, smiles, and life that is bursting at the seams right now.
When this fear of the unknown is overwhelming me, it makes it really hard to live today. To love today, without fear. To give today all I have without asking for something in return.
All this talk of fear and living today reminds me of the post I did at the beginning of this year. Before all these extra unknowns entered my life, I felt God whisper into my heart, be present. This year, focus on today.
Oh, how this focus and goal is exactly what I need right now.
I cannot focus on what I don’t know. I cannot focus on the future.
I have to live today.
I must focus on today and be present here…
Today I get to be a stay at home wife and mother.
Today I have four precious children that need my love, attention, and care.
Today I woke up to feed my precious three month old son in the glorious morning hours before the sun rose in the sky.
Today I did two loads of laundry before nine o’clock in the morning because I’ve got lots of clothes that need washed from my family of six.
Today I doubled the recipe for waffles because I’ve got some big eaters, I also added chocolate chips!
After breakfast I gave my giggly 16 month old daughter a bath and then played peek-a-boo as I got her dressed for the day.
After lunch I read a book to my five year daughter and sang “You Are My Sunshine” as I patted her back for a brief summer nap.
Shortly after that I prayed with my eight year old son thanking God for my home and family and each child by name.
Later today we are all going to search for Waldo as part of a local Where’s Waldo search in Louisville. I am going to admire my children’s faces and smile wide in the moment when they finally find that man in stripes that they’ve been looking for.
After that, we are going to eat out at a restaurant we planned specifically for, because the kids will all eat free. We will all talk and laugh and enjoy being with one another.
Before bed, we will all gather in the living room and read from God’s Word as we seek to learn about Him.
How blessed I am today! This fear thing, this struggle, it seems to be conquered by instead of focusing on what I don’t know, focusing on what I know and have and being thankful.
You see, when I stop and think about today, about the goodness that fills my life, I stop worrying about what is going to happen tomorrow, or next month, or three months from now.
I am just thankful for this moment today.
By Ashley Wells, on June 11th, 2012 It has been far too long to not update you all on my new life. Granted, I did become a mother of four children aged 3 weeks to 8 years old within the time span of 90 minutes. However, I can tell mentally that I haven’t been writing because I haven’t been able to unpack my experiences like I used to and some days I can feel the emotionally build up that just needs to come out.
You see, I think I’ve said before, blogging for me is about living life through a different perspective. I intentionally take a second glance at my experiences and purposefully look for God’s hand and presence. It helps me process life and lets me live parts of my life twice, actually experiencing it and then writing about it.
So, back to my new life…
God is so good. Most days as I am caring for these children, just through regular interactions (like putting a nearly15 month old to sleep for her nap or feeding the two month his bottle), I am overwhelmed at how He has filled our formerly quiet home and my formerly aching heart. Tears of joy and gratitude flow down my face regularly, even still after nearly two months.
My heart had been desiring to be a mother for so long, and it has been a long road to this point, but yet we are here. We have four children in our home that we have been entrusted with the privilege and duty of caring for and nurturing. I had prayed so often when my heart was hurting that my trust would grow, trust that even though I thought I knew what was best, to lay aside my dreams and desires and trust in the goodness of the Lord and trust in the perfectness of His plan.
Now I am living His plan and I am in awe of how he has brought these children into our home. I often prayed that the Lord would help me to see that He can do far more abundantly than all I ask or think, and that He would help me realize that my dreams are nothing compared to what He has planned for my life. How the Lord answered my prayer and how wonderful His plans truly are!
My new life is blessed chaos. Thankfully, we are all really starting to get comfortable and in our routines. It is becoming less chaotic (well, most days!) but still having a large family (I think we would be considered a large family…) is generally a little chaotic just because there are six people in the house who need fed and clothed and cared for and transported here and there. Right?!?
The Lord is continuing to teach me about being present. At the beginning of this year I would have never imagined how the Lord would use this theme that He placed on my heart to help me to really live today and be present for every moment. You see, these children are here with us for now. However, we don’t know how long they will be here. We are praying and hoping that eventually this placement turns into an adoptive placement. However, at this point it is completely temporary. We have no idea how long these precious children will be in our care.
Therefore, I have learned a simple yet profound lesson. Today, in this moment, I am to care for these children. I am to love them today with no reserve. I am to focus on today and trust God for tomorrow and the next. I know that this lesson will be valuable later in life. Because aren’t all children gifts from God that ultimately belong to Him? We are never guaranteed tomorrow. I am learning that and trying to live out my goal to be present this year, because I have to focus on today to get through.
I hope to share more about my experience as a foster mom and the daily struggles and joys and tips…but for today, this is what I am able to do. I am really embracing my mission for blogging and trying to hold true to that. My home, my husband, my children, they need me more than my blog needs a post each day (or even each week).
I hope to share more soon!
By Ashley Wells, on April 28th, 2012 On Tuesday, my life changed (maybe forever).
We finally got our phone call for a placement! Then, about an hour and a half later, I went to pick up four children. Our children, at least for now.
It’s been exhilarating. It’s been overwhelming. It’s been joyous. It’s been exhausting (My record for number of hours of sleep in a row was about 90 minutes until this morning).
Every moment, I am more and more thankful for God’s grace for each day and His strength that has sustained us. It truly is a miracle.
Here are some specifics (although I can’t share much):
We have four children aged 3 weeks old through 8 years old. Two boys and two girls.
By the way, we said we would be willing to take up to four children aged 8 and under, and that is exactly what we have.
We are adjusting as well to be expected. But, we would love prayers as the older children are starting to realize that this is a more long term home than they thought, and more than they were told by relatives.
We are learning (often times through trail and error) about being a parent, as many new parents do. I am so thankful for all the opportunities the Lord gave me to prepare me for this exact moment.
We are amazed at how fast you can really love a child, even if there is no biological connection. It truly has been remarkable to see our love grow and grow in leaps and bounds for these precious children that the Lord has brought into our home.
We have no idea how long the children will be with us. We are praying for God’s good and perfect will, whether that be returning to a parent, or other biological relative, or the potential that they could stay with us. Prayers for this would be extremely helpful, especially for God’s grace and peace on Michael and I if they were to leave.
For Everything a Season
Right now, these children are a great priority in my life (as any child should be, whether biological or not). I don’t know what their life has looked like. However, I know what I can do right now, today.
I can give these children all I have and rely on the Lord to fill me up again.
I can be present with them each day.
I can love these children as best I can.
I can care for them daily with love.
I can pray for them.
I can attempt to show them the great, deep, wide love of Christ.
What may not fit on this list, is blogging, at least for a season.
These children need me. I cannot miss these opportunities to be a blessing to them, I don’t know how long they will be here and I want to make as big of an impact as I possibly can.
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